Una Sabbatorum

I started the week crying in my bed. Random voices played through my television distracting me from the end of a chapter I thought I would never see.

Heartbreak.
That’s the word I’ve been looking for.

There was a silence in that hour of crying I spent; mascara staining my face, tequila shot in one hand, and journal in the other viciously writing away the pain that I was feeling.

Then… a strange moment occurred.
I fell asleep.

The morning came and there it was: sunlight, hope, and a new day awaited me.

Not just any new day.

The first day of my new job.

The first day of a new week.

The first day of the newest chapter of my life.

Yes, I got dumped on Sunday but Monday came and I was walking down the streets of the Upper East Side on my way to my new job. This week alone, I started a new job, I was part of the first virtual reading for Plush: The Musical, I met the creators of my favorite web comic, I got lost in Flushing with my best friend, I started my acting classes at the Stella Adler School of Acting, I got to perform in a master class with a cast member from the original London Cast of Hamilton, and I wrote a short play entitled Desamor (which is going to be inside a larger work but that’s a different post).

And if anything, this week has taught me that I need to be alone.

The truth is, I think I needed to go through another break-up.
Not because “men suck” or because I don’t love myself.

I need to be alone right now because I love myself.

I am a girl with large ambitions. Sometimes they feel so out of this world, over the top, surreal that I question if I’m ever going to get there but, here’s the thing, this is the time for me to truly focus on honing my skills to become the woman that I want to be. This is the moment for me to put all my energy into achieving my dreams.

I’ll be honest, I use to hate being alone. Now I cherish it. I love being alone because it gives me a chance to put my creative mind to work.

At the end of the day, this break-up that has been destroying me emotionally, might be the best thing to happen to me. Obviously, I’m not happy that the relationship is over but, this is making the best of a bad situation.

I think there are two paths that I could’ve taken this week. I could’ve allowed myself to accept defeat and fall apart or I could rise to the challenge.

I found peace with spending time focusing on myself. The fact of the matter is, throughout the course of the week, I found myself finding peace with the fact that there are some things I can’t change. I can’t force someone to like me or want to be with me. I can’t force someone to think like me or support my passions. It’s not that I stopped caring about the break-up, it’s that I care so much about what it represents. This isn’t the end of something. This is the beginning of a wonderful chapter filled with failures, mistakes, rejections, but most importantly, exploration.
There’s a world outside of relationships.
I can’t hold on to negative thoughts because it doesn’t move my mind forward. It doesn’t make me better to wallow in my self pity.

I will admit, it feels like free-falling.

I feel like I’m falling into the depths of the unknown waiting to see where it leads me.

Honestly, I’m petrified to see what this new chapter of my life brings me but, I’m excited to do the work on myself.