Happy

Almost every Friday, these pair of deep blue eyes stare at me unimpressed. They time my every movement in the hopes that I’ve improved slightly. They watch me sweat, cry, and sometimes laugh. They see the best of me, the worst of me, and the deepest parts of me that most people have never seen. These blue eyes are special in that they make me feel like the weakest person in the Universe then immediately make me feel like the strongest. I guess you can say, these blue eyes have grown to be the best part of my week because every day has started to grow into some sort of anxiety fueled nightmare. The hour passes, always perfectly on time, and I return to my reality. The blue eyes and I part ways mumbling a game plan for the next session. I smile weakly behind my face mask. The blue eyes are oblivious to the inner turmoil that fuels my anger for their classes. Yet, for some reason, this past Friday was different. The blue eyes looked at me with a twinge of concern as if they knew this hour had become the best part of my week.

“Do something fun this week… You know, something that makes you happy,” were his parting words.

Here I am, a few days later still thinking about it.

Tigger Warning: This blog contains mentions of depression, anxiety, abuse, and weight loss.

Recently, I have been struggling with “happy”.

I’m not afraid to say it.

Honestly, I think hearing “do something that makes you happy,” made me both angry and forced me to reflect on the past few years of my life. I started asking myself when was the last time I was truly happy.

Let’s talk about that…

In 2017, I had a friendship break-up that absolutely crushed me. I cut my hair in my dorm room, took a box of red hair dye, and attempted to dye my now short mess of a hair red for an hour. It didn’t work. I cried into a carton of ice cream while watching some sappy romantic comedy yelling how love doesn’t exist to a computer screen. This night, this mental breakdown, was the catalyst for the best year of my life. The next day I went to a hair dresser who spent FOUR hours fixing the mess that I had made. While sitting in that chair for four hours, I decided to become the best version of myself. It was like an epiphany rang through my brain. I visualized all the things I wanted to fix about myself. In that moment, I decided to fully work on them, not half-ass them like I normally would but to fully commit myself to my goals.

A month later, the horrendous acne that plagued my face had vanished. I lost 50lbs in six months. I was getting lead roles at productions at school. I earned the chance to play my favorite leading role for hundreds of people in Italy. I moved up in ranks at my gym. I took some time to visit my family in Florida and attend a gorgeous Indian wedding. I went on the most relaxing, eye-opening camping trip. I had an adorable “flirtationship” with the waiter at my favorite bar. I was thriving at work.

Everything was perfect.

Sure, there were some bad days but it was nothing that a Fit-2-Fight class with Raz Chen couldn’t fix.

Then everything changed.

December 5th, 2017 was when my life truly started.

I’ve always called it “the accident” when in reality, it was the moment Icarus had flown too close to the sun.

My ACL Surgery was the best and worst thing that happened to me. On the one hand, I found out how strong I really am but, on the other hand I allowed myself to suffer. I caught myself in toxic abusive relationships. They manifested itself in lovers, teachers, and my own self-talk. I was absolutely miserable. I was so miserable that I managed to tell myself that I deserved this. When I spoke out, I was told that I needed thicker skin or that this kind of behavior was normal. I made myself small. I diminished myself. It was as if the Universe was punishing me for being happy. I remember crying myself to sleep because all I wanted was for the nightmare to end.

After a while, I grew numb to the pain. I let teachers verbally abuse me. I stayed in toxic, abusive relationships. It’s gone so far that I have told myself it’s okay to stay in what may be the most toxic, draining, and abusive environment that I have ever been in. While I won’t go into detail, I realized that when I was injured, my confidence had dropped so low that I had forgetting who I was: a fighter.

The sad truth is that I’ve kept myself in this state for years now. I saw my largest accomplishments as not good enough. I let the stress of my life plague my skin again. I lost the motivation to get my pre-surgery body back yet I judge myself for not looking the same way I did three years ago.

I hit rock bottom.

I fell so deep that all I can do now is crawl out of it with every bit of energy that I have left in me.

So, how do we get out of the hole?

To answer that question, we have to look back to that long four hour hair salon epiphany. Heartbroken, alone, and really pissed I sat in that chair and wrote my wait out of depression.

Wait, but I did this…

I tried the Law of Attraction.

I put my life in perspective.

I wrote out my goals.

I told myself “This too shall pass.”

Yet, unhappy still follows me.

Then it hit me like a stack of bricks, the reason I’m so unhappy it’s because I have conditioned myself to think that if I’m happy then something bad will happen to me. While it is very unlikely that I will have another ACL tear, I still sit here thinking “If I’m happy then I’m going to injure myself and have to suffer this all over again.” That’s why I keep myself in these toxic, dangerous environments. This is why I pine away for emotionally unavailable men. Most importantly, this is why I’ve been holding myself down in a way that I would NEVER do to someone I love.

Now I know what you’re saying, “Well Lauren, how are you going to get yourself out of that? That sounds really hard.”

It is!

This may be the hardest thing I ever do: allow.

Allow myself to move away from the past. Allow myself to move forward. Allow myself to be happy.

I found the light at the end of the tunnel before. Plus, the last time I thought I hit “rock-bottom” it was because I wasn’t seeing my self-worth. Yet, I was able to find my way towards self-love.

This goes past writing out a list of goals because I know what I want from my life. This is about pulling out an inner strength to recondition my brain to know that it’s okay to be happy. More than that, it’s about reminding myself that if I’m not happy what is the point?

The past is there. It happened. I dealt with it. I can’t stay there. I can’t continue to punish myself for injuring myself. I can’t let that dictate my future. I learned my lessons. Now it’s time to grow from there.

Honestly, I want to be more like blue eyes. I want to live in the moment. I want to stop being so hard on myself and finally allow myself to be free.

We’re in the middle of a global catastrophe. There’s so much misery, depression, anxiety, and pain surrounding us. There’s enough. In fact, there’s too much going on. The least you can do, for your own sanity, is to be kinder to yourself.

Friday has not come yet but, when I see blue eyes I can say, “Yeah, I did something this week that made me happy.” Because I am ready to release the pain, the guilt, and the depression that has been on my shoulders for nearly three years.

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