Burn Out
I stood on the train platform after a long day of work listening to some relevant pop singer. On the crowded E train I caught myself begin to cry uncontrollably… not because anything in particular was wrong but, because I was emotionally and spiritually drained.
I was a walking New York City cliche until I was finally able to take out my journal and write myself into a state of calm. It wasn’t until I flopped onto my bed at home after a two hour commute that I realized I was suffering from burnout.
Not only was I suffering from burn out but I have been for a long time.
Before we can talk about it, let’s properly define it. For me, burnout is reaction to ongoing stress particularly caused by work (or life) that causes exhaustion, poor performance, lack of creativity, irritability towards others, physical illness, and depression.
So, what caused this?
When I made my work schedule, I was going through a bad break-up. I wanted to use work as a way to distract me from my heartbreak. However, when creating my schedule I forgot that my work schedule includes my commute, my Krav Maga training, my marathon training, my acting classes, my volunteer work, and if I’m super lucky, sleep. For the first month of my job, I got 4 hours a sleep per day. Honestly, any college student probably read that and laughed because in college I was able to live off of 2-3 hours of sleep some days. However, I want to stress that 4 hours of sleep a night is NOT normal. Say it with me friends: 4 hours of sleep is not normal and we should not glamorize not getting enough sleep. Forget making time for friends and family, I live with my parents and I see them for 10 minutes on a good day. That’s insane right?
I think I was blinded by love. I am so madly in love with my day job and my aspirations. I dance while I’m on my way to work because being at the office feels like such an ongoing blessing that keeps giving. I love racing home for Krav and then immediately jumping into my acting classes. When you love something as much as I love working, it never feels like you need a break from it… That is, until the exhaustion and loneliness catch up to you.
Then rock bottom hit.
Breakfast was non existent. Coffee was my best friend. I stopped smiling. I stopped dancing on my way to work. I told myself, “Wow, I’m finally a normal fully functioning adult” but, this is not normal. This is not okay. This is not healthy.
My acne flared up. I gained 8lbs in the span of 2 weeks. I was upset all the time.
"How could this be happening to me,” I thought to myself. “I’m exercising regularly. I drink green juice every morning. I only eat salads and veggies. I drink gallons of water like a mad woman. I should be looking like a drop dead gorgeous successful supermodel right now.”
It wasn’t until I caught myself throwing up in my office from stress that I had realized I was actually working myself to death… not helping myself.
The truth is not matter how many miles I run or how much kale I eat, my body will not cooperate with me until I deal with the stress I had putting on myself.
As a society, we have grown obsessed with overworking yourself as a form of being successful. However, we also glorify the idea of self-care. We sit down after a long day, slap on a face mask, drink a glass of wine and say “All better” but the next day arrives and we’re back to square one.
So, where’s the balance? How do we fix this?
Honestly, everyone is different and needs to take the time out to figure out what their personal “self-care” is but, here’s how I got through my burn out.
I asked for a day off in my schedule. Yes, believe it or not for an entire month I worked 7 days a week. As of right now, I work 6 days a week but, I have communicated with my boss when I need a moment to breathe. Even Broadway performers who do 8 shows a week, have Mondays off. Remember, I’m in love with the office. If I can live there, I probably would but, I learned that communication is key.
I reevaluated my needs. Every day I wake up and ask myself “What do I need today?” Some days it’s a hug from my 1 year old nephew. Other days, it’s a warm cup of pumpkin spice tea in an air conditioned room.
I started focusing on my goals. After a marathon of How I Met Your Mother, I was inspired by the episode How Your Mother Met Me where the Mom character (Tracy) is in a pit of depression, a friend of hers tells her to focus on one of her goals and every day work towards that goal. My goal in life is to be an actress. Every day I did something that contributed towards my acting. I practiced a little harder for class. I read plays. I went back to writing my own play (Lens coming to you December 2020). I auditioned as much as I possibly could. By the end of August, I came out a better actress with a healthier mindset and I even booked a role in my first independent film.
I reached out to my friends. Sometimes I’m a bad friend… I forget that I have friends and then keep myself in this pit of loneliness where I cry out “oh, woe is me.” Recently, I’ve been starting more conversations with my friends. I’ve planned Zoom Wine Calls. I’ve gone out to lunch. More importantly, I started putting myself out there again. Sure, some weeks I get rejected by everyone and spend Friday night by myself but, it helped me realize the value of spending time to myself.
I read more. Reading not only makes you smarter but, it offers you an escape from daily life. While I mostly read self-help books like You are a Badass & Get Your Shit Together, recently, I went back to the classics. I read Bridget Jones to help me remember that my situation was not uncommon. I read The Great Gatsby because it has and will always be my favorite novel. Now, I’m going to reread Hamlet because it’s a masterpiece. Never underestimate the power of a good book.
Finally, I wrote out everything I felt. For the longest time I had repressed my true feeling and emotions. I told everyone I was okay when in reality, I really wanted a shoulder to cry out. The moment I addressed my feelings— even the really uncomfortable ones, I felt a lot better. I stopped overworking myself. I was still “on my grind” but I was working smarter and through working smarter, my everything I produced was magical. My work became Quality over Quantity.
Now what?
I’ve internalized my personal self-care as little things I do on a daily basis that help me in the long run.
I started going to bed earlier. I started to schedule my workouts at a time where I have the ability to recover afterwards. I started video chatting my friends on a weekly basis. I started eating healthier. I started drinking more water.
Most importantly, I started meditating. I started writing again. I started testing the limits of my creativity. I started allowing myself to communicate my feelings with others.
I take three deep breaths when work gets stressful. I started thinking about what I need.
Yes, I put on the occasional face mask and drink a glass of wine while watching a romantic comedy but, I started to address what is going on in my head when I’m stressed out and hopefully, that is what you take away from all of this.
You will always feel exhausted until you take care of yourself.
Stay healthy friends &
Happy September!
