Epiphany
Welcome back!
I’m sure you’re asking me, “Lauren, you said you were going to post something every week! You missed last week! What gives?”
Well, my amazing reader, I fumbled deep into some introspection this week.
Let’s talk about that.
First, let’s recap: As you may remember, at the beginning of July I started my first 9-5 style job on the Upper East Side. This job provided me with clarity, hope for my future, and genuine human growth. If you’ve been keeping up with my journey, you would also see that I have recently been dumped by the one guy who I thought would stick with me during my journey AND I started taking acting classes three times a week. That’s a lot of things right? We’re not even close to the surface of everything that’s been going on with my life. I’ve also been writing my newest play Lens as well as a list of new goals to achieve. Plus, I filmed a commercial with Alexa Bliss this week… but that’s a completely different post altogether.
The bottom line: I have been a busy woman.
During this period of being married to my job and life goals, I’ve made a major decision. The truth is, I quit romance. Believe it or not, your resident Romcom Queen has decided that to be single for at least an entire year. Now most people reading this probably just laughed and said, “Yeah right? Lauren Curet not in a relationship? That’s like a rainbow not having the color red.” The reason why is self-care.
Cue the confetti canons everyone, Lauren Curet is finally starting to focus on herself!
Self-care is the latest hot topic conversation that spans through all generations. As we grow closer to normalizing mental health, people like myself are taking advantage of being open and honest about their feelings. I’ve been having conversation about self-care that are so eye-opening that I’ve grown to realize it’s more than slapping on a mud mask and getting an overpriced manicure. In fact, I have a different blog post coming out dedicated to all the self-care I have been doing for my creative life. However, as a new Singleton, I’ve been thinking about what self-care is for the single girl.
If you don’t know… I haven’t been single for longer than a month since I was a junior in high school. Even when I was single, there was some guy that took up most of my attention span. Some random guy that would make me ask, “Will he text me back? Does he like me? Will he ask me out?” That’s absolutely insane right? No guy deserves that much thought (except my nephew, he’s perfect).
For me, every relationship felt like I was giving away a piece of myself until there was nothing left to give. It was as if I was chipping away at an already finished painting to the point where I destroyed it. This constant cycle was exhausting.
I always felt like I was this perfect picturesque manic pixie dream girl created to get the men in my life to achieve their fullest potential. It only took this most recent break-up for me to realize that this entire time, I was never in love with these men. I was in love with their potential. This realization caused me to deep dive into a full analysis of the last eight years of my life.
Have I been successful with achieving some remarkable things? Yes! Without a question, I am proud of everything I have done but… I could’ve done so much more…
I think I’ve learned over the years that the wrong relationship will hinder your creative mindset causing you to hold back from your full potential. For example, the reason my last relationship ended was because I told my partner I had dreams of LA and being an actress. The first thing he asked was, “What would I do in LA?” I told him “We’ll figure it out. It’s just a dream right now.” A week after, he broke up with me and told me that my dreams were too big for his life and were unrealistic. I was heartbroken for an entire month. I doubted my abilities. I put the pen down. I told myself, “He’s right. My dreams are unrealistic. Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead.”…
But I can’t because Enough is Enough.
It took me too long to realize that I will always be intimidating to someone. I will always be too extra, too much, too emotional, too dramatic, too unrealistic to someone but why should that person tell me what I can and can not do? Is it hard to be a performer in this world? Yes, absolutely. Every day artists move to New York and LA with dreams of being the next big thing but the difference between me and them is at least they’re trying. At least, they have moved past the idea that it’s unrealistic. This made me ask the question, why not me? It has to be someone right? Someone has to get that Academy Award, why can’t it be me too?
These men that have ran my life have continuously erased me from the narrative… and I let them because I wanted to please them. I wanted them to stay. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be liked.
Mostly, I was afraid.
I was afraid because what if they’re right? What if I should focus my energy on something more attainable? Get a nice 9-5, live comfortably, maybe go see a musical every couple of months but… that’s not me. It took me an entire month to realize that it’s not me. Honestly, I want to fail. I want to go to a million auditions and fall down on my face. I want to write a whole bunch of plays and have them rejected from festivals. I want to make a fool out of myself in dance class. I want to do all of it because that’s how you learn. That’s how you grow. If there’s anything I’ve learned this past month, it’s that you get nowhere from being in your comfort zone. If we only get one life then why am I allowing people to tell me that it’s too unrealistic and scary to achieve my goals. If I’m going to live, I want to live in a blaze of glory doing everything that I can in order to achieve my full potential.
If I’m being completely transparent, I didn’t change overnight. I didn’t wake up one morning and realize “Wow, I’m a warrior princess goddess!” No, the story to how this mindset came to be involves a pool in the Bronx in the middle of July…
My best friend has a gorgeous friend named… let’s call them X. I spent a lot of time that day talking to X about how I was a sad lonely frumpy girl who didn’t understand why she is a failure at relationships (it was not my finest moment). I went on to warn X that I was a very overwhelming person because I get excited over small things and I’m constantly doing something. X smiled at me. X responded by saying, “That’s cool. I wouldn’t want you to be someone you aren’t. If people can’t handle your extraness then why are they in your life?” I took a moment to digest that. “Well, they won’t be in my life any more because I’ve decided to quit love. Clearly, I’m probably going to die alone,” I responded. X laughed, “Don’t worry, there’s someone out there for you but, you shouldn’t just vow you’re giving up on love because you don’t know what’s going to happen (insert shrug emoji here). You might meet someone tomorrow. You never know.” So I responded with, “Well, I guess I’ll cross that road when I get there, right?”
Don’t worry guys, X and I will never date in a million years. That being said, that brief encounter changed the way I thought about myself. X was right, there was someone who would appreciate me and yes, I have no idea where life was going to take me but, I don’t want to wait for them. I don’t want to chase them or go searching for them because I’m not there yet… Honestly, I don’t think I want to get there.
Like the most recent Billie Eilish song, the person I am most in love with is my growth, my healing, my future. Therefore, I decided to dedicate this next year, starting now, to myself. I have my goals, I have a positive mindset, and I am ready to explore who I am without a partner. I dedicate this next year to being my most authentic self. I dedicate this next year to going far past my comfort zone. I am ready to fail but I am ready to win. Yeah, it’s a huge adjustment but I am exhausted trying to please everyone and be liked.
