Himmlisch

Today I had the perfect first date.

It was a date so perfect that as I sit here right now I can’t help but be thankful to have experienced it. So much of me wants to say that it was a perfect day. Now, I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But Lauren you said you weren’t going to date for an entire year.” Yes, my very observant reader, I am not dating for an entire year with other people but no one said I couldn’t go on a date with myself.

My morning started like any other.

I did a 10 minute Deepak Chopra meditation that helped me reflect on the past few months on my life. Instead of being depressed by the outcome of certain events, I decided to be thankful for my moments of peace, harmony, laughter, and love. Sure, I was in a toxic environment for three months straight but, I can’t help but think of the long train rides with my friends as I tell them stories of my experience. Yeah, I went through an awful heartbreak in July but when I look at my life now, I am so much happier than I was when I was in a relationship. That does not mean that my partners were awful but, now that I’m single I have been able to focus on myself.

What do I want? What do I need? What kind of artist am I trying to be? How can I make myself happy?

When I was dating, I focused a lot of my energy on my partner.

Do they like me? Are they going to leave me? Am I good enough?

The “Am I Good Enough” question bled into every aspect of my life. Am I a good enough student? Am I a good enough artist? Am I a good enough fighter? Am I a good enough daughter? Am I a good enough aunt? Am I a good enough person?

Dating caused me to worry more about how others felt about me rather than how I felt about me.

I caught myself doing things that I didn’t want to do for people who didn’t appreciate me or my dreams enough. I tried to stay in relationships where I was utterly miserable solely because I was afraid of being alone. Now that I am alone, I realized that it isn’t bad. Some days I miss cuddling late at night with a partner but I am not nearly as neurotic or anxious as I was when I was dating. I take today over going on a date with someone else any time.

Let’s talk about it.

After my meditation, I did my daily sun salutation where I allowed myself to really settle into the moment. I went on to take the time out to make the best scrambled eggs that I have ever made. Guys, these scrambled eggs were absolutely heavenly. At the end of my morning routine, I braved the train to go to the main event of the day: Celestial at Artechouse in Chelsea.

Celestial is a digital art exhibit in a previously occupied boiler room in the basement of Chelsea Market in Manhattan. I was the only person who decided to go there alone and I would not change that for the world. After experiencing the top floor of a digital bar and interactive art pieces that turned my body into a literal light show, I decided to see the main event: a 25 minute art show that put me in the center of the Universe. I found a quiet corner and allowed myself to be swept away in the music, lights, and color of it all. I repeated my meditation from earlier in the day as I watched the world change around me. I caught myself thinking about the past year of heartache, depression, and anxiety. I thought about how I have overcome the hardest days of my life and how after the hardest days of my life came some of the best moments.

When I think about my ACL surgery, that year of recovery was immensely challenging. I mean, I couldn’t walk for three months but in the middle of it I was able to play my first leading lady in an opera. After my recovery, I met one of my best friends, I started training with Blue Eyes, I got some of the most life-changing jobs of my theater career. I use to cry myself to sleep every night during my recovery but little did I know that my best moments were only months away.

That was what I thought about as I sat in the corner of this immersive experience.

As I observed the exhibit, I caught myself looking at Instagram models in the middle of it. I realized how so much of our lives these days are based on what looks good “on the ‘gram”. How many of these people purchased a ticket simply because it would make a great Instagram photo? I wondered if they were truly enjoying the experience or getting the most out of it or if their purpose for coming was to tell people that they came to see it. After a while, I decided that this was not the time to be judging other people.

I came to this space to be alone.

“I’m ready to be happy,” those were the words I told myself in the middle of the presentation. I have been told a lot recently that we choose to be happy. When horrible things happen to us, we need to make the decision on whether or not we are going to let it break us, right? We have grown into a culture that shames people for not being “happy”. When “happy” becomes something that feels unattainable, we have to allow ourselves to feel that pain because it’s unhealthy to be happy all the time. Our feelings are what make us human therefore, I decided these past few weeks to get swept up in my emotions. It might have made me a tough person to be friends with but I have never felt so healthy in my entire life. “I’m ready to be happy,” I said it again because I couldn’t believe that I had finally admitted that I was ready to move forward with my life.

This past year, I have been following a channel called “Unus Annus” which is led by two of my favorite YouTubers, Markiplier and CrankGamePlays. While watching Celestial, I was finally able to encapsulate the meaning behind the entire channel because I was finally able to resonate with the meaning of this channel I have been watching for an entire year. For those of you who don’t know, Unus Annus is a channel that uploads a video every day for an entire year. It has over a million subscribers and millions of views at this point. At the end of the year, the channel and everything along with it will be deleted leaving us only with our memories.

Watching Celestial, made me realize that Unus Annus isn’t just a fun channel and concept. It teaches us that not only is death inevitable but that we have to appreciate each moment of our lives: the good, the bad, the scary. We also have to be ready to let go when the moment arrives. As I’m writing this, there are only 17 days until Unus Annus ends.

So, what does that have to do with me?

I have been holding on to a lot of things. Some days my break-up doesn’t feel real to me. Some days I still hold a grudge against the things that have happened to me. Some days I get so depressed about the state of life that I can’t leave my bed. As I sat in that dazzling blue room, I started sobbing because I was finally ready to let go of all of it. Not only that, but I realized that this incredible moment right in front of me was eventually going to end. At some point, I was going to go home with only the memories of the day. How did I want to spend it? I decided to be present. I sat there and after I dealt with my past traumas, I told myself, “I’m not leaving until I am ready to forgive myself and let go.” I watched the presentation three times before I was ready to let go. It was a moment that I don’t think I will ever forget. I closed my eyes and soaked in the world around me and felt myself smile underneath my face mask. It was the most genuine smile I have had in a very long time. When I left the space, I felt like I was floating.

I wanted to end the date with myself properly. I bought myself my favorite flowers (peonies), I went to a book store (and stayed there much longer than I should have), and then I took myself out for dinner (and have a lovely glass of sangria with it). The entire time I was out, I saw all these couples and groups of people. For the first time in my life, I noticed that even though I was alone, I didn’t feel lonely. I was finally free from my fear of being alone. I celebrated that by taking a sunset walk on Chelsea Piers. As I looked over the Hudson River, I whispered to myself, “I am enough” and I am happy to report, that I believe it.

Life will always find a way to punch me in the face. I will always allow myself to feel it when it does. However, today I finally decided to stop letting it consume my entire being when it does. It’s crazy but as I look at the beautiful peony on my desk, I can’t help but wonder how I am going to one up this date. Who knows, maybe the next date I take myself on will be at the top of the Empire State Building.

Stay tuned.