Choose Life

Today I celebrated my 24th birthday, a feat that not may not seem like a huge deal to most people but is a an accomplishment to me. Being able to reach 24 means that despite all odds, I decided to choose life.

Trigger warning: mentions of suicide & depression

For everyone that knows me, I am a bright bubbly vessel of pure positive vibes but, it wasn’t always that way. In fact, I had to actively pursue a happy outlook on life. After a nasty fall in 2018, I had a massive knee surgery that made me lose my ability to walk for three months, pair that on with my lack of a support system, a toxic school environment, and a romantic partner with severe sadboi energy and was a 100% narcissist… I was suffering from depression. Waking up every day felt like a chore. This depression made me gain 50lbs and accumulate stress acne to the point where I was completely unrecognizable.

I won’t go into details about that frightening February night but I will say that if it weren’t for a perky beautiful blonde neighbor, I wouldn’t be here to write this blog for you… And honestly, not a day goes by where I don’t reflect on that experience. Scary right?

Think about everything I would have missed!

I would’ve missed hearing Lizzo for the first time.

I would’ve missed starring in an opera in Italy.

I would’ve missed visiting LA and Colorado for the first time.

I would’ve missed dating the hot waiter that I had a huge crush on for three years.

I would’ve missed producing my first play.

I would’ve missed meeting my nephew Benjamin!!! What?!?!
There are so many people, opportunities, huge life changing moments that I would have missed. The list goes on and on.

The point is that there is a world of adventure and experiences that I would’ve missed out on.

My life isn’t perfect, it’s actually pretty far from it but when you decide to choose life, you begin to see the world in a very different light. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering “But Lauren, how did you magically become a happy jelly bean over night?” or you could be thinking about tacos. I’m usually thinking about tacos so I completely understand.
First of all, I support your dreams of obtaining tacos.
Secondly, it wasn’t magic. Here’s what I did:
I cut out a lot of negative, toxic people from my life.

I made a list of all my goals, even the huge ones that seem impossible to accomplish, and a long list of things to look forward to.

I started looking for a support system. I started to reach out more to people.

I watched a lot of new content. I found new coping mechanisms that helped me find some relief.

I started volunteering at The Crisis Text Line as a Crisis Counselor which helped me take my experiences and help other people. I started to put my life in perspective and see the light in the darkness. If I could help just one person a day, I’m living my life correctly.

I started to make a gratitude list every day and meditate! Meditation seems like such a basic girl thing but it really helped me ground myself.

Actually, I also ended up spending a lot of time alone. Especially after the huge break-up I had last year, I took myself out on multiple dates to help me dig deep and find out the type of person that I am. I had to explore what made me feel good to begin to feel good about myself.

If you’re still here with me…

The takeaway of this whole post isn’t to think about one of the worst nights of my life, it’s to celebrate how far I’ve come since then and to help spread some light into the world.

If you’re struggling with finding your joy then I want to be the person to tell you that it does get better. My Krav Maga teacher used to play this song called “100 Bad Days” by AJR in class. It talks about how “100 bad days makes 100 good stories,” and while it’s just another cute pop punk song, it’s true! The way you react to your bad days makes you the strong person that you are today. There is so much life out there for you and even though we fall down and lose our way, we need to keep going. We need to keep going because we have no idea what the next day, month, year of our lives has in store for us. Life is so short and I know that there are a lot of you out there that’s telling me “Well Lauren you don’t understand because my life is harder than you can ever imagine,” and I feel for you. Seriously, my heart pours out for you and I’m not dismissing your problems or telling you that meditation will make all the pain go away because we’re all different but, I will say that if everyday you work towards your own healing process then maybe you’ll be able to see that choosing life is one of the greatest things you can do. Progress isn’t linear, it’s a lot of highs and then suddenly there’s a dip but with every day that we get past those dips, our highs get even higher.

Loving yourself is hard. Being happy is hard. It takes work and effort to get to a place where you can find positivity in the hard moments but, you will find the light. Even if it doesn’t seem like it now, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you to get there.

We are currently living in some horrifying Upside Down where the future seems bleak but all you can do is focus on the things that you can control. Focusing on the things that you can control could help you find the happiness that you’re looking for.

I hope that by reading this you were able to find some light and clarity.

I want to thank all the people that have been in my life and supported me thus far. I can’t wait to see what the next year of my life has in store.

Good days, bad days, wins, rejections, I am so excited for this next phase of my life.

If you’re reading this, it’s a sign that you should choose life tonight. Your friend the Fighting Soprano is here for you.