A Morning Star

Welcome to 2021!

It is at this point that most people breathed a sigh of relief saying, “Thank God we finally got rid of 2020!”.
For me, I am taking this first week of the new year to reflect on the trash fire that was 2020 so that I can better understand what I want for my future.

2020 was the year I got my heart broken. Not just broken, it was shattered into a million pieces with no one but myself able to pick them all up. Even as I type this, I am halfway through with my vow of singlehood. As I think about how badly wounded my heart was last year, I can’t help but realize that there was some good in that. Being single helped me figure out who I truly am. I found that in so many of my relationships, I wanted the other person to like me so much that I lied to myself on a daily basis. I was afraid of speaking up when I didn’t like something, I cut back on my workouts because my partner always felt inferior to me, I got extremely jealous when they would speak to other women, and when I look at all of this I can’t help but see that by the end of all my relationships I was a complete loony. The worst part of it all is that during my life as a happily in-a-relationship girl I never took the time to mourn any of my relationships. I was consistently hopping from one relationship to another, constantly changing who I was tailored to each man in my life. It was absolutely exhausting. It was a vicious cycle that made me stressed out, sick to my stomach, and anxious. I grew terrified of being alone. I reached a point where I hated the woman in the mirror. She was fragile, weak, and had no direction in her life. All of her spark faded away.

So I decided to grow.

After my last partner and I broke up, I decided to focus all of my time on myself. What did I want? Who was I? Who did I want to be? Who could I become? What made me excited to wake up in the morning? I looked deep inside of myself to see what I lost whenever I dated these men. I decided that I want to live and get rid of this mindset that I needed someone to be happy. Therefore, I decided to quit dating for a year. I wanted to finally like myself.

Honestly, deciding to stay single for a year was one of the best decisions I made in 2020.

From there I started to do a deep-dive on mortality. One of my favorite YouTube channels of 2020 was a channel called Unus Annus. The channel lasted for an entire year and at the end of the channel, Markiplier and CrankGamePlays deleted it leaving behind no trace of its existence. In fact, because of this channel, I now own a personalized necklace that says Memento Mori… Remember death. Honestly, 2020 was the perfect time to remember how short life is. For anyone who knows me, my older brother Michael works at a hospital. During 2020, he was one of the frontline workers who fought COVID firsthand. I spent months worrying about him. Every text message, phone call, and photo was a blessing. I spent sleepless nights worried about what would happen if he caught the virus. It was so easy to get wrapped up in my own anxious thoughts. Halfway through the pandemic, I decided to enjoy each moment instead of worrying if it would be the last. At any moment, we could lose a loved one. You never know when you’re going to catch a deadly virus or get hit by a car while crossing the street. This mindset caused me to do the most courageous thing I have ever done… chase after my dreams.

It started with an email.

Growing up I wanted to be an actress. I spent hours in theater rehearsal. I sang on a daily basis. I read stacks plays as far as the eye can see. I spent hours in the drama book store. I analyzed movies as if it were my job. All I wanted was to perform. It was the only thing I could see myself doing… and if you asked my mom, I spent years telling her “All I know how to do is to perform”. When I was in high school my dreams were a little dashed when I chose to go to LaGuardia High School for Voice instead of Drama. While I have loved my classical voice training throughout the years, acting was the one thing I knew I was good at. If I couldn’t sing a high C, I knew that I had the acting perfect. In high school, I wanted to be just as good if not better than all of my colleagues. I asked one of my acting friends, “If I wanted to be a better actress, where can I take classes?”

The reply: Stella Adler or Art of Acting.

No matter who I asked, that was the school that they would mention.

Alas, as a young child, I could not afford to go. I begged my parents to enroll me in classes but every month the funds were not there. Fast-forward to 2020 and I emailed the school asking how I could take classes. I submitted an audition tape and I was able to enroll in my first class! At the time that I am writing this, I have been taking classes there for 7 months and it was absolutely LIFE CHANGING. The school was everything I could imagine AND MORE.

I learned that it was never too late to chase your dreams. Even the crazy ones that seem unrealistic. This mindset actually led me to one of the most incredible writing programs that I could have attended at the beginning of the year. It was an upward spiral of pure inspiration.
I wrote more. I acted more. I sang more.

I was inspired. I wanted to make sure that I was always doing the best that I could to become the version of myself that past Lauren could be proud of.

Now here we are.

2020 was painful. It was an uncomfortable year filled with a growth that I didn’t ask for but certainly needed. Now that we are at the beginning of 2021, I do not want to stop my growth or shy away from the fact that I experienced some terrible things: losing all my jobs to COVID, having to move back in with my parents, having my heart broken, and of course, everything going on in the world.

I asked one of my friends if he made any resolutions for the new year. He said that he didn’t want to think of anything as a yearly change. I told him that I saw resolutions as a way to grow and expand from the year prior.

I am constantly evolving. While I know that I will never be absolutely perfect, I know that I am on the right path towards being the girl that I always wanted to be. It is only through the obstacle that we could find true happiness.

So, what comes next?

Along with the yearly, “I want to lose weight” and “I want to save money”, I will be using 2021 to continue to expand on what I have learned in 2020. I want to make sure that I remember the painful bits because sure, we’re always trying to run away from our past but, how could we move forward if we don’t see where we came from? I don’t want to forget how I got here and my advice to you going into this new year is that you should try to reflect and see what you have learned as well.

I hope you all have a fulfilling, successful, and bright new year. May 2021 give us even more insight on how we can be the best versions of ourselves.