The Depression of Self-Doubt
Int. Lauren’s bedroom. Day
Paralyzed in her bed we see a young Lauren Curet shutting off the snooze button and setting half an hour increments until she becomes too hungry to stay in bed any longer.
This was the scene of my life for the beginning of 2021.
When COVID started, I was determined to make myself the most productive woman in the world. In fact, I had invested in blogging, writing, making videos, and continuously asking myself, “How can I better myself?”
I did everything I could.
I lost 35lbs. I started learning how to video edit. I went back to music. I started to teach myself how to budget. I worked “odd” jobs here and there to find my “purpose”. I became closer with some of my friends. I started a healing crystal collection. I was consistent. I was magical. I was dangerously burnt out.
Everything was going smoothly and then the rut hit.
I stopped studying. I felt like I lost my purpose. I was in the midst of the biggest depression of my life and I couldn’t figure out why. I wasn’t in love with my job but I had a stable income. I started isolating myself from my loved ones. I started hiding in my room. I had mental breakdown after mental breakdown. I truly felt like I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I kept asking myself, “Why was I doing [insert job here] when I wasn’t passionate about it?” “Was this my entire life?” “Where is my life going?” “When was the last time I wrote something?” “Why can’t I get out of bed?” “We’re a year into the pandemic. I should be fully functional now.”
“What is wrong with me? Am I broken?”
[Enter the coolest blonde woman I have ever met in my life. A sprightly, athletic, audacious, SoulCycle instructor who yells out “We don’t wake up to give up!”]
It started with a twist of fate. She ended up teaching a SoulCycle class that she wasn’t supposed to. It was the hardest SoulCycle class I had ever taken in my life. My heart rate was at the apex for the entire time. However, for the first time in a long time, I felt whole. I felt real. I felt like I could handle anything. She was everything I could want in a teacher. She was terrifying, motivating, inspiring, and brutally honest. I soon realized that her reach went beyond teaching SoulCycle. She even had a whole company dedicated to coaching people to be the best version of themselves!
2. Int. Lauren’s Bedroom. Day- a week later.
My first class with her company made me sweat so hard that I thought I had just come out the shower. The entire time I felt like giving up.
[Cue the amazing blonde woman]
“Lauren, don’t you dare quit before the finish line! Don’t quit before the finish line!”
I didn’t quit. In fact, I did something else. I kept coming back. Even though each of her classes made me scream into the void, it was exactly what I needed to get out of my head.
I was unstoppable.
[Enter Confidence]
Despite being more confident in myself, happier with where I was in my life, and excited to take on the world. I caught myself saying, “honestly, I’m not okay.” I wasn’t sure if it was low energy. If I was too focused on what my life was going to look like three months from now. I wasn’t even sure if it was because I started hanging out more regularly with an incredibly kind green eyed artist who truly knows how to make me laugh (NOT a romantic prospect, I promise! Just a very good friend.)
Again, I asked myself, “What is wrong with me? Am I broken?”
I reached out to a couple of friends and their answers varied, “Maybe it’s the moon!” or “Are you sad that you’re still single?” We even touched on, “Do you feel like you’re not doing enough?” DING DING DING!
Here we are again, same problem different day.
The answer was a little complicated: a lingering imposter syndrome that I had grown from being around such a competitive isolating college system.
[Re-enter amazing badass blonde woman and a few helpful friends]
What am I seeking? What is my intention? And the most important question: What the f*ck am I doing with my life?
These were the questions that the incredible blonde woman made us ask ourselves especially when we were starting to open our social media apps. It was a simple switch but it changed a lot in my mindset for the day.
Then the big hitters started to come: My friends.
When I reached out to people and told them that I wasn’t “fine”, they all praised me for being self-aware and realizing that I had a problem that I wanted to fix. What astounded me was that two of my friends had the knowledge to ask me, “Why” because they knew that I didn’t truly know.
It was in the “Why” that I gained some of the best advice of my life.
“Show up as her”
“What do you mean?”
“Clearly, you don’t want to be you right now. You want to be this higher version of yourself.”
“That’s true but-”
“Show up as her. What would she do on a daily basis that you wouldn’t do? How does she spend her time? What does she read? What does she eat? What does she look like? What makes her happy? Every day you show up for other people as what that person wants. Why don’t you start showing up for yourself?”
Needless to say, this is a friend who I talk to every day without fail. This little conversation made me jump right on the horse. I started to see myself for not what I currently was, “A depressed woman who felt stuck in her life” but who I knew I could be, “A woman filled with joy who actively works every day towards getting what she wants”.
My other friend is more of a mentor than anything else but, a woman who I know I can talk to if I am having any serious guy issues. We all have that friend! The “therapist” friend.
“Imposter Syndrome”
“What do you mean?”
“It means you don’t feel like you deserve it. You don’t think you’re good enough.”
“Well, I like myself-”
“You’re diminishing yourself. You need to get rid of that. There is no reason for you to not get what you want. Look at all the things that you’ve accomplished. Forget whatever the other guy is doing. You’re awesome. Now go be that awesome person that you are. Don’t hide your accomplishments or shrink yourself. Go out there and highlight yourself. That’s the only way you’re going to achieve what you want!”
I hated her for making it sound easy.
When I combined the advice of these three inspiring women, I realized that each of them had a similar outlook on my situation. I needed to transition. Instead of saying “Woe is me. Life is hard”, I had to start thinking “What is this hard time teaching me?”
If you’re reading this right now. That means I showed up.
It’s not easy but I did that because I know that I can’t change the world until I start changing myself.
My imposter syndrome is not fully healed but today instead of scrolling through Instagram, I picked up a book. Instead of sleeping in, I went to a stretch class. Instead of watching The Crown for an entire day, I decided to sit down and work.
All it took was showing up.
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Thank you so much for your patience.
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