Separarsi

On this day last year, you walked out of my life. If you would just amuse me, I would like to take a moment to catch up with you.  

Hey, this must be awkward for you.

I know the last time we spoke I was sobbing on the phone mumbling incoherent words at you but, here we are.

You seem well.

I’m happy to see that the past year has worked out for you.

I know we ended on bad terms but you did leave all of my stuff in the lobby of your apartment building and lied to my friends by saying you had to fly out to Israel because you didn’t want to see me.

To be honest, the last time I saw you was in the board game shop across the street… You know, the place where we met. The one that we used to go to together every week.

It was the day after I picked up my stuff… I wanted so badly to come over and say “Wow, this does not look like Israel.” And truly expose the liar that you are but, it wasn’t worth it.

You didn’t have to lie but I understand why you did.

I remember the month before our break-up you looked me in the eye and told me that I was your “dream girl” and how you had “never loved anyone so much”.

I laugh now because how could I be so naïve to believe you?

I’ll admit, the time we spent together was epic but behind all the gushy romantic comedy goggles, I took the time out this year to reflect on what I lost.

I lost 150lbs of coward.
I remember standing outside the performance hall in my pink gown after performing an incredible rendition of Cendrillion, a performance you missed.

I remember listening to you on the phone, after said performance, and utter how you had to break-up with me because you were failing out of college. I will admit, that seemed so ridiculous at the time because we were practically living together and I watched you do your homework, I watched you study, and I walked to school with you. How could you be failing? Moreover, how could you huge bomb from me this entire time?

I remember walking to the wrong train in a tear-induced haze after that conversation. I remember staying at my friend’s house that night and not wanting to move out of her bed the morning after because it felt like my soul had left my body.

What I truly lost that night was the idea that I needed you to feel complete.

The truth is, the past year without you has been one of the most productive years of my life.  

I’ll catch you up:

Remember that play that I started writing, you know, the one where you told me that it was bad and nothing would come of it? It was produced by a theater. I got to perform it in front of an audience. It even made the semi-finals of two competitions. Right now, it’s playing at a theater in Los Angeles. Actually, before this whole COVID-19 thing, I attended a prestigious playwright retreat in Colorado.  

Remember when you told me that I wouldn’t get a job in theater? Funny you said that because, this year, I House Managed my first Off-Broadway production. I did so well that the company invited me to work for them on Theatre Row.  

Remember how you broke up with me because you blamed me for your academic failures? I graduated with my Master’s Degree this past May.  

Remember when you judged all the diets I was going on and started going on dates with a woman half my size (while we were dating but you swear you didn’t cheat on me), I lost 20lbs and moved up in ranks at Krav Maga.  

Remember when you consistently missed my races because you didn’t think they were important enough? I finished my first marathon this past year and placed 3rd in my division.  

These are all things that I wouldn’t have been able to achieve if I stayed with you. It took you leaving me for me to realize what true strength I had within. The entire time we were together, I kept trying to please you. I tried to give you this sense of validation. I had panic attacks constantly trying to be perfect for you and your family.

In the end of all of this, I need to quote the movie Crazy Rick Asians, “it’s not my job to make you feel like a man, I can’t make you something you’re not”  

Thank you for being a learning experience.

For all my readers, I want to share this really personal letter that I wrote to myself after, what felt like, the worst break up of my life. I hope that if you’re going through a tough break-up that this letter will help provide you with some inner light.  

Dear Future Lauren,

Right now, you are going through the worst heartbreak of your life.

You have no idea if you will ever find love. In fact, you feel like a failure at love.

This is all coming from you so I hope you know it’s true.

However, the truth is that this will all pass!

You will find love because you’ve found it before when you weren’t looking.

BUT, and it’s a very big but, there are multiple reasons why your relationships don’t work out… you don’t love yourself enough.
The truth is, you will never find love until you learn how to love yourself.

So, cliché, right?  

Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. How about we try an experiment for the next year? For the next year, we are going to make us into the person that we have always wanted to be. We are going to kill out bad habits. We are going to forgive ourselves. We are going to go on a journey that will change us forever. We’re not going to hold back because we genuinely deserve it.

What if this time we didn’t give up on ourselves? What if you don’t take back ex-boyfriend’s automatically because this time you realize that YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT? What if you realized your self-worth and decided that if someone was scared of how awesome you are, then they are not worth your time? You are not going to dim your shine for anyone anymore because right now we’ve made the decision to learn and grow and be the baddest bitch that has ever lived.  

Future Lauren, if you revisit this a year from now, I want you to thank you for going on this journey. Thank you for being the girl who decided to try. Thank you for working so hard to radiate self-love and pure happiness.

I promise you that I will never give up even when the journey is an absolute sh*tshow.

You will always be my priority.  

Love always,
Yourself  

Note: A year ago today, I was dumped by the person who for the longest time I thought was “the one”. It was a really emotional and pivotal moment in my life. I wanted write a post about it to show people that the most heartbreaking break-ups could bring light in ways that you could never imagine. This time last year, I didn’t think that I would find love again or that I would achieve so much. My ex-boyfriend made me feel small in so many ways that I didn’t think I would be able to accomplish anything without him. Friends, if your partner isn’t lifting you up and bringing you joy, then they are simply not worth it.

It took me a year to figure that out. I hope it takes you less time.

Thank you to all the people who helped me achieve my goals this year.

I can’t wait to see what this next year brings me.